bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
