omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
