You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
