I'm lost and stupid without you.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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