I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What changed your mind?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.