Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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