My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
