I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I woke up under a house in Key West
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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