Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize