I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like death gave me a hand job
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
