my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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