i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize