I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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