I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
