Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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