Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
