My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
