quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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