Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
