Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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