I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
did i just pee glitter
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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