I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
