Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
