she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
