she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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