I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
