The police scanner is talking about you again....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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