Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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