i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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