I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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