I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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