i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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