Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
