I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
