I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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