PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
