i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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