I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
