Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
