Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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