this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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