i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
