i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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