Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
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the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
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she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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