I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
