I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
