Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I will die if light touches me.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
