did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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