did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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