There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
