At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
