I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
