I want to make a zoo with you.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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