I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
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The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.