Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm like, not good at living.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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